There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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