Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
