Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just tell him i said nine months
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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