There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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