ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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