When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
