She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
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I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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