Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
