wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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