Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him