it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Floor bacon is actually really good
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
