Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You've changed since you got that strap on
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
