I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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