I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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