Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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