i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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