Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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