i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
