She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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