when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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