There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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