Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
