It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
