He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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