I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
