hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
