Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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