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My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
