Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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