I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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