Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
