our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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