I faked an abortion last night.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
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I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
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I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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