If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
where does the pee come out of this thing
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
