Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
