i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
