I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
