So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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