just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
