Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
