the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
