i think my tv is drunk
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
