Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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