note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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