Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
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I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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