They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
