my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
