One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
