my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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