I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
