i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
