I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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