The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
